this is my space, a place to call my own, a place for me to face my own inner-space...

"hey it's me, i'm dynamite and i don't know why"
summer 2007

this summer sun has been good for me!!!
october 2006

me with no hair!!!
summer 2005

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some good reading:
contrary goddess
more contrary goddess
signs of life
tea with ren
jill writes
my art blog
my etsy page
vast gallery

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Friday, September 21, 2007
unschooling moments

today we (samuel, silas, and i) have been learning about how to make our profiles cooler on  we've all figured out different little things to do to make them better.  html codes, links, pictures, music, videos...all that neat stuff.  it's been fun.  it's been frustrating.  but lots of learning happening.  it makes me think of how our kids, this internet generation, thinks, creates, and interracts differently than we did.  to watch the speed clicking and editing and multi-tab activity is fascinating. 

while we were all taking turns on the computer, tweaking our various profiles and blogs, sadie was in her room writing and performing songs.  she has a composition notebook designated just for song writing now.  about ever 15-20 minutes she would come out to ask me how to spell a word.  it's interesting that she didn't ask me how to spell ALL the words, just some.  there were lots of words that she just chose to try to spell on her own, but for some reason there were words that she wanted me to spell out for her.  i thought that was kind of interesting.  like the word "be" or "friends"...but not words like "when" which she spelled "wine" or "always" which she spelled "olways."  i love that she is working on these songs, that she is exploring this concept of song writing and the subjects she chooses for the songs.  i've also been watching her play "animal crossing" on the gamecube and i am amazed at how she has gone so quickly from needing me in the room the whole time to read the dialogue for her to reading it all on her own.  she was never taught to read.  neither was silas.  samuel, only halfway.  because halfway through was when he realized he did not like it (but he had requested to learn it, so i did try to).  i am always amused by people's reactions to the fact that i don't "teach" my kids school subjects.  it is inconceivable to them that children can actual learn things on their own.

another case in point.  when we went to blackbeard's cove the other day, silas had gone to the ticket counting machine twice and so had two slips with his ticket amounts.  one had 57, the other 67.  he asked me, "mommy, what is 7 plus 17?"  and i said, "but you have 57 and 67."  he says, "i know, what's 7 plus 17?'  to which i answered 24.  and without skipping a beat he said, "YES!!  i've got 124 tickets!!"  it took me a second to go where his mind had gone and i realized he had done creative math.  he knew 50 and 50 made 100, he just needed to know the rest.  i'm not sure where he learned to do that little trick, but he learned it...somehow.  and as far as the "not knowing" 7 plus 17...all in good time, all in good time.  and if he never learns (read memorizes) simple addition, i know he has the ABILITY to figure it out on his own when the time comes for him to need it.

after all, isn't that the most important skill we can ever aquire.  the ability and the confidence to find the answers we need.  so if anyone wants to know what my kids learn/do all day long, i will tell them:  "they are learning how to think for themselves and figure things out on their own."  i can't think of anything more valuable to learn.

Currently listening to:
The Greatest
By Cat Power

Posted at 9/21/2007 5:49:57 pm by sssmommy
what do you think??  

Wednesday, September 19, 2007
aargh! pirate day!!

i've been planning a special day for the kids this week...but they didn't know about it.  i got up this morning and played around on the computer until they got up.  when they were all up, i told them to get dressed because we needed to go to the grocery store (which we do, but we didn't).  so off we go and we pass our usual shopping spots...and they ask where we're going and i tell them we're gonna go to a different place that i wanted to check out.

then we pull into "blackbeard's cove, family fun park"....and then they are all excited!!  here's the cool thing.  while we were getting ready to go, samuel informs me that it's some sort of national pirate day, or talk like a pirate day.  which i thought was pretty cool given my surprise.  isn't that just a wonderful coincidence.  oh wait, there are no coincidences.  so i'm trying to figure out what this one means like deepak says i should but i can't figure it out yet.  then we get in the car and it's exactly 10:25 and the radio digital display is on channel 102.5...we thought that was pretty cool.

this is something we probably never would've done because of the cost but my friends at the sprout gave me a $40 gift certificate on my last day of work.  thank you so much guys!!

when we first got there, it was all empty and i started to worry that they might be closed.  i said "they can't be closed on pirate day!!!"  but they were open, yeah!!

so the first thing we did was a round of mini golf on the fort course.  right away on the first hole, sadie got a hole in one!!  the next exciting thing was that on the 7th hole, sadie had to go pee NOW!!  so we went and did that and then came back.  luckily we were the only people there.  then around the 11th hole, i had samuel pose with a sign and the next thing you know he's screaming and pulling his clothes off!!!  i am not kidding.  he had gotten into a red ant pile and they were all over him!!  o.h.m.y.g.o.s.h.

by this time i was starving and couldn't wait to get inside for lunch.  snack bar food!!  yep, believe it or not, i love snack bar food.  nachos, fries...ya know i don't get that stuff often.  so we finished the course and headed back inside for lunch.  we ALL got nachos, sadie got a cheese quesadilla, the boys got cheese pizza slices, and i got a salad.  yum, we were so stuffed!!  sadly, there was no more room for fries.

then it was time for the go karts!!!  this was crazy fun.  i could hardly steer the damn thing!!  i found out that i am not going to be able to let silas drive...ever!!  he was wild behind the wheel.  we went round and round and i started to wonder (even more than i did before) why someone would want to be a race car driver.  sure, it's fun and when you go really fast, it's exciting and scary.  but by the 4th lap round, i was ready to stop!!  ah well.  it was fun anyway.  and better than feeling like the ride wasn't long enough...that always sucks.

we then we went inside to use our $5 worth of tokens on the games.  you know the type of arcades that are ticket based.  get so many tickets from playing certain games and see what sort of junk you can get for a ridiculously high number of tickets.  ah but it was fun, and for the most part...not coming out of my pocket.  i got the most tickets...this is because i'm a skeeball freak!!  and that's where you get the most tickets.  unless you're brave and go for the gamble type games.

then the hard part came.  deciding what to get with all the tickets.  holy cow.  decisions decisions.  in the end we pretty much just put all out tickets together and we all got some fun junk.  i just wanted the pirate rubber ducky and let the kids have the rest.

then we got ice cream at the snack bar.  and that was the end of our pirate day fun at blackbeard's.  we took tons of pix that i'm going to put on my flickr page because i don't feel like reducing my pictures enough so that they aren't too big for this site (i tried uploading one picture and it said it exceeded my space left or something or other).  ah well.

pix here:

i was really happy that we got to do this before leaving town.  we really needed a fun day out of the apartment.  i've had the gift certificate since july and kept putting off using it because of the heat.  and today was just beautiful, not too hot, not too cold (as if it could ever be really cold in september here).  ah but it got me looking forward to a tennessee fall.

happy pirate day, mateys!!!!

Posted at 9/19/2007 4:02:30 pm by sssmommy
Comments (4)  

Tuesday, September 18, 2007
my hair

remember the 8 things meme?  one thing on it had been really bothering was about how i have always hated my hair.  well for the past few months i've been changing that thought in my mind.  yesterday, i told my friend tracy about my new mantra and when i said it out loud it made me laugh.  i'd never said it out loud before.  so i thought...why not say it out loud on your blog.  make it more real that way, right?  more effective.

so here's my new hair mantra (and i have more that are about all sorts of things...but this one...this one is just for my hair):

my hair is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday!

that's it.  like it?  i do.  i decided that by always saying that i hated my hair i was only making that more and more true.  like being called stupid all the time when you're a kid...well, you probably know how that one goes.

so i have turned my attention to what i want to feel, believe...whatever.  and it's helping.  i haven't taken scissors to my hair since.  oh i look and i think, i really need to trim those little growining out wings in the back there.  i always do that when i'm trying to grow my hair out.  and then i just never know when to stop and the next thing you know i'm half bald and back to trying to grow it out again.  it is an ugly cycle.

so, i am taking it all in.  the wings that drive me crazy even...i am taking it all in and learning to love it all.  it is beautiful and growing longer and stronger and more beautiful everyday.  it is, really!

you should hear my other mantras.  ah, but that is for another time altogether.

Currently listening to:
9 Crimes
By Damien Rice

Currently watching:
Lost - The Complete Third Season
Staring Matthew Fox

Posted at 9/18/2007 8:40:01 am by sssmommy
Comments (2)  

Monday, September 17, 2007
i owe the blog world an entry

okay, it is obvious i'm not a blogger...LOL.  i am not a writer.  i do not have a lot to say.  but i thought i owed the blog world an update.

so we're moving.  we're packing.  it is a lot of fun...NOT.  it is a surreal time right now.  you know how time usually feels like it's either going too fast or too slow.  well, right's doing both for me.  going fast because i do not feel like i will ever have enough time to get it all done by the 24th.  going slow because it feels like an eternity since scotty left on the 3rd and i can't wait for it to all be done and over with.  i wish it were like christmas.  you know the waiting, anticipation and all that.  but you can just go to sleep and before you know it, it's morning and it's here!!  that's how i want this move to be.  i want to just go to sleep and wake up and have it all done!!

so what else is new?  i have recently been back in touch with some people from my past.  not just my childhood best friend in florida.  but people i went to high school with.  that has been exciting.  there were only a handful of people that i really really loved...and right now i'm lucky to be in contact with a few of them again.  pam, sheila, becky, david.  there are still a few more i would love to hear from again, TJ, todd, tony, susan, christy, angela, scott.  i even had a dream last night about my 8th grade love, tim.  so my head is all wrapped up in the past right now as i'm in the process of planning a new future.  it is a wonderful time.

something interesting happened the other day.  okay, i don't know if interesting is the right word for it...but anyway.  silas had been frog and lizard catching with his friend leslie.  he had caught the tiniest tree frog, tiny tiny tiny.  he came to show it to me.  they are in the breezeway playing with their catches and the next thing i know silas comes in crying.  like, really really crying.  the frog had jumped out of his hand and his friend stepped on it.  oh my god, it broke my heart.  he was so very upset, i can't even describe it.  then samuel started crying because he can't stand to see silas upset.  i went out to pick it up and bury it and i started crying (not sobbing, but i did tear up a bit).  it was so pitiful to see this little guy that i had just seen alive and jumping.  and of course, seeing silas so upset and feeling his sadness.  BUT, as i picked it up, it moved.  turns out the little guy only looked smooshed.  he was just little enough to escape being crushed.  a dribbled him with some water because he was dry from being handled and he was perky and jumping in no time.  so here's the weird thing.  silas is the child who usually shuts down emotionally.  he is often unable to express extreme sadness (example, he could not cry when his grandmother died.  although he was very very upset and you could see that tears wanted to come).  yet, here he was nearly hysterical over this frog.  i find this unusual.  but i know that it is "normal" for him.  really big stuff maybe is too much for him to process.  i don't know.  maybe the immediacy of seeing it alive and then seeing it "dead"...i don't know.


i watched "off the map" again the other day during a much needed break.  i really love that movie.  i need to watch it again and again to help remind me of what it is i really want my life to be like.

okay, i blogged =)


Currently listening to:
The Mating Game
By Bitter:Sweet

Currently watching:
Off the Map
Staring Amy Brenneman

Posted at 9/17/2007 10:07:56 am by sssmommy
Comment (1)  

Monday, September 03, 2007

okay, i'm laying on the floor doing a crossword puzzle and dancing (at the same time?...yes).  girl knocks on the door for the boys, she comes in to wait for silas and we're talking about our move and she asks what job i'm gonna be doing and is a little surprised to hear me say i don't work (ha ha ha).  and then she says i should be an art teacher.  ummm.  okay.  now, i like this girl because she thinks i'm 25, so i don't want to hurt her feelings...but i told her i really couldn't, wouldn't, be a teacher.  that would be like harry potter becoming valdemort.  i gave her a quick synopsis of what i believe about how children learn on their own better than having things taught to them.  it was funny.

okay, so i'm trying to write more.  see what you get when i decide to just write what just happened just now.  just boring, right??

Currently listening to:
Love in the Time of Science
By Emiliana Torrini

Currently listening to:
By Frou Frou

Posted at 9/3/2007 5:26:13 pm by sssmommy
Comments (3)  

Sunday, September 02, 2007
what's up now...

well, it's been three years since i started this blog.  i haven't always been real good about updating it though.  so anyway, what's up now is this:

we are moving back to tennessee.  it has been a wonderful three years here in charleston, but it is time to go home.

i got on here thinking i had all sorts of things to write about...but it seems i really don't and nothing is coming to me.

Currently reading:
Winnie-the-Pooh (Pooh Original Edition)
By A. A. Milne

Currently listening to:
The Reminder
By Feist

Currently watching:
The Astronaut Farmer
Staring Billy Bob Thornton

Currently listening to:
Light and Day
By The Polyphonic Spree

Posted at 9/2/2007 9:10:33 am by sssmommy
what do you think??  

Thursday, June 28, 2007
i got memed

okay CG, i'm finally getting around to it.

~~~Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.~~~

first off, i do not know 8 all!!!  so there.

1. i am constantly confused about where i'm going and i never feel fully settled.

2. i have a hard time throwing away boxes that stuff comes in.  same with glass jars.

3. i will always hate my hair and wish i were prettier.

4. i am left/right dyslexic...after all these years, i've finally decided to put a label on it, that makes it easier to communicate to someone why they simply should not ask me for directions or when the eye dr. asks me which way the thingamajig is pointing in the eye test...that the reason my response is slow is not because i can't see it, but because....."i am left/right dyslexic"....and it takes me a minute to figure it out.

5. i've almost forgotten how to have fun.

6. one of my favorite old songs is "the year of the cat" by al stewart.  one of my favorite new songs is "we are nowhere and it's now" by bright eyes.

7. every single night i dream about houses.

8. i'm learning how to like people.

the end...and, nope, no tags for me...i know no one....

Currently listening to:
Lose Yourself
By Eminem

Currently watching:
Firefly - The Complete Series
Staring Ron Glass

Currently watching:
Serenity (Widescreen Edition)
Staring Morena Baccarin

Currently listening to:
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
By Bright Eyes

Posted at 6/28/2007 9:33:25 am by sssmommy
Comments (4)  

Sunday, March 25, 2007

every time i watch british comedy, i want to be able to use words like "wanker" or "bullocks" just sounds so cool...but i am not cool.

i remember watching "young ones" in high school and being completely enamored with ric ("with a silent p") and i wanted to be able to say things like "piss off" and "bloody hell" with ease.  but i never did, well not unless we were all playing around...never in regular conversation.

watching "harry potter" (or even reading it for that matter), i want to incorporate into my regular speech things like "brilliant" and "dormitory" (said "dormitry")...much like listening to the smith's "cemetary gates" makes me want to say it "cemetry."

sometime last year we got the complete "young ones" on dvd at the library.  i later heard sadie saying "you bastard" with the perfect accent on all the right parts so much so that at first i hadn't known what she'd said.  i asked her and then asked where she heard it.  she said "the young ones."  this was good for a laugh.  here i'd been watching it, going down memory lane remembering how much i used to love shouting "school's out forever!  come on everybody, let all your hair's hang out!"; while my daughter was learning some favorite new phrases of her own.

i have never told my kids they couldn't use "bad words."  telling them what they mean generally gives them the opportunity to make that decision for themselves.  still, it's not something you want your little daughter to go around saying...especially being hard core unschoolers.  people tend to find any excuse to get into your business and you know, "no one ever expects a spanish inquisition!"  but you can try to avoid one.

well, bloody hell!!

Currently reading:
Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders
By Neil Gaiman

Currently watching:
Star Trek Deep Space Nine - The Complete Second Season
Staring Star Trek Deep Space Nine

Currently listening to:
By Bright Eyes

Posted at 3/25/2007 4:24:46 pm by sssmommy
Comments (3)  

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
update....sort of

on january 9th.  scotty's mom passed away.  it has been a difficult time, but we are all doing well, considering.  of the kids, it's been the hardest for samuel.  he and scotty both have daily breakdowns. 

i haven't felt much like posting anything lately.  i've been staying absorbed in other things.

thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and kind.

i'm sure i'll return to my usual meanderings soon.

Currently listening to:
Come on Pilgrim
By Pixies

Currently reading:
Waifs and Strays
By Charles de Lint

Currently reading:
Prodigal Summer: A Novel
By Barbara Kingsolver

Posted at 2/20/2007 6:45:54 pm by sssmommy
Comment (1)  

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

i just talked with scotty.  he won't be home until saturday now.  he called me this weekend while we were still at my parents' house to let me know he'd be staying longer..until friday.  he told me his cousin was going downhill again after 2 years of remission from cancer.  that was saturday.  today, he called to tell me that his cousin died this morning.  he was 37.  he has a wife and 2 kids....had?

this isn't even why he's been's just more of what's going on down there..the rest of the picture.

scotty is still helping take care of his mother who also has cancer.  how long she will hang in there is still unknown.

when he called i thought he was telling me it was his mother that had died...and it made me realize just how terrible that moment will be.  i couldn't breathe.

i wrote a letter to his mother recently and i was talking about how i think we have children for the same reason we have see our own reflection when we look into them...and to see the effects of the passing of time.  i often think that without mirrors or my children to look at i might not notice it at all.

death in the family makes us think of our own mortality.  our own passing of time.  our own dying every day.  it seems like too much to bear sometimes.

i've spent the last 7 months thinking about death on a daily basis.  literally many times throughout the day.  just thinking i was going to die any minute.  i would try to think about some future thing and i would think about the fact that i might die any day and it wouldn't matter anyway.  perspective.  real death puts that kind of thinking into perspective.  makes me get outside of my own fears about dying...that there is REAL death going on and that i need to stop thinking about IMAGINARY death and get on with my life.

still, sometimes, it's like holding my breath...just waiting.

i don't want to wait like that.

i don't want to worry...i want to live.

and i'm trying.

yoda says "there is no try...only do"

Currently listening to:
Put Your Records On
By Corinne Bailey Rae

Posted at 1/2/2007 1:49:06 pm by sssmommy
Comments (5)  

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